G r E e N j O k E z
eVa's straNge fruit
Pagkatapos ng isang bilyong taon...
Natagpuan din ang prutas na
kinain ni Eba na naging sanhi ng
pagkakaalis nila sa paraiso...
(in fairness mukha syang sayote.. L )
Kayo na lang ang humusga
kung bakit niya ito nagustuhan..
Natagpuan din ang prutas na
kinain ni Eba na naging sanhi ng
pagkakaalis nila sa paraiso...
(in fairness mukha syang sayote.. L )
Kayo na lang ang humusga
kung bakit niya ito nagustuhan..
Horse: Mahal na prinsesa,akoy dating prinsipe na isinumpa.
Prinsesa: Ha!! Pag ba hinalikan kita babalik ka sa pagiging prinsipe??
Horse: Malakas ang sumpa,kailangan chupa...
Boy: First ba ako sayo??
Girl: OO naman wala nang iba pa...
Boy: Really??
Girl: ( Galit ) Bakit ba lahat kayong mga lalake ask the same question?? Ok na!! Ok na!! Pang 58 ka!!!!
Ayon sa hangal na Aklat,pahina 69,artikulo 6 Ang mensahe ni Barabas...Ang mga babae ay kailangan mahuhugas palagi ng kanilang mga hiyas dahil ito ay kinakain ng mga hudas...
Hating-gabi, hot si misis. Haplos niya ilong ni mister, kiliti niya sa leeg, saka bulong malambing sa tenga.
Misis: Love, ala na ko panty.
Mister: Huh! Cge, tulog na, bukas ibili kita.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo (pina-ikli ng iki-chemotherapy) lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!
Bata : Tay paglaki ko gusto ko katulad mo.
Tatay: Ang bait ng anak ko, gusto rin maging doctor.
Bata : Hindi tay!! gusto ko rin tirahin si YAYA!!!
Both Legs
Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok tatanggalan po ako ng butlig
Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na...
Katulong: Kasi ok lang kung right lig or left lig lang po??. pero bakit naman butligs pa.....
(both legs) wahaha
Gatas
Anak: Tay, di ba nagkagatas ang babae pag bagong panganak lang?
Tatay: OO, bakit mo naitanong?
Bata : Sabi kasi ng kapitbahay natin ginagatasan mo lang si Nanay, eh hindi naman siya bagong panganak.
ANAK: tay! sino mas mahal mo, ako o si nanay?
TATAY: syempre ikaw anak.....
ANAK: kaya pala kapag madaling araw,
ako po ay kinukumutan niyo
at si nanay naman po ay
hinuhubaran niyo......
sweet niyo tlga tay, a lab u....
Magkumare
Mrs Wan: oh mare bt ka umiiyak?
Mrs Tu: Nag-away kami ni pare, gusto niya sex kame style aso, tumanggi ako
Mrs Wan: Masarap naman yun ah?
Mrs Tu:Masarap nga, kaso ang gusto niya sa kalsada!
The Sinner
Sinner: Father 4give me for I have sinned. Im sexually preoccupied and often read dirty jokes and graphics from my celfone
Priest: child, can you be my textmate?
Juan at Pedro
Juan: Pre, san ka galing?
Pedro: sa sementeryo, Libing ng biyenan ko
Juan:Eh bat ang dami kong kalmot sa braso at mukha
Pedro: ang hirap ilibing eh, Lumalaban
May TITI ka ba?
T- tiwala sa
I - iyong
T- tunay na
I- iniibig
Puwes, i-text mo siya at sabihin
"Loves anlaki ng TITI ko para sa iyo!!!"
Dalawang gurls nag-aapply 4 work; isang matalino at isang bobo
Matalino: buti ka pa tanggap, ano ba ang ginawa mo?
Bobo: wala, nung nagfill up ako ng form nilagay ko sa sex: “Sige Ba!!”
LALAKE: Miss, pwede makipagkilala??? Anong pangalan mo??
BABAE: CarMen… Kc mahilig ako sa CAR at sa MEN… eh ikaw?? Anong pangalan mo???
LALAKE: PePe…
Every 2nd glass of beer reduces life by 5 minutes
Each sex trip increases life by 10 minutes.
So basic equation is:Ang lasenggo na mahilig sa sex matagal mamatay….
Boy: mama ihi ako
Mom: tulungan na kita hahawakan ko
Boy: ayoko!!!! Si lola na lang!!!
Mom: Huh? Bakit?
Boy: Kasi nanginginig kamay ni lola sarap!!!!
Man: Luv nawawala yung singsing na binigay mo sa kin…
Girldfriend: kung saan-saan mo kasi pinapasok yang daliri mo… Ayan o, nalaglag kanina pag-ihi ko!!!
Math teacher: ano pinag-iba ng 69 sa 6.9?
Studeng: Mam pareho lang posila ng position kaya lang mas kadiri ang 6.9 kasi may period….b
Bride from honeymoon was crying…
Friend: Bakit ka umiiyak???
Bride: ang Titi ng asawa ko sinlaki ng bote…
Friend: Bongga!!! Masarap yan!!!
Bride: anong masarap??? Bote ng White Flower!!!!
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end." "Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her cunt, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
ANAK:DADDY BAKIT MARAMI KANG BIBNIBILING PAGKAIN?DADDY:KASI ANAK MAGANDA NA ANG TRABAHO NGAYUN PARA LAGI KAYONG BUSOG NG KAPATID MO! ANAK:DADDY BAKIT NOON MAHIRAP LANG TAYO LAGI NA LANG PAREHO ANG PAGKAIN NAMIN? DADDY:NOON YUN ANAK! KASI MAHIRAP LANG TAYO! BASTA MAKABILI AKO NG PAGKAIN NINYO MASAYA NA KAMI NG MOMMY MO! ANAK:EH ANO KINAKAIN NINYO NI MOMMY? DADDY:ANAK PAG TULOG NA KAYO NAGKAKAINAN NA LANG KAMI NG MOMMY MO....NGEEEE IBANG ULAM...
-------------------
MAG BOYFRIEND NAG LALAMBINGANBF: LING, LARO TAYOGF: O SIGE, ANONG LARO ANG GUSTO MO?BF: GARA-GARAHEAN. IKAW ANG GARAHE AT AKO NAMAN ANG KOTSE. IPAPASOK KO NA ITONG KOTSE KO SA GARAHE MO. MAKA-ILANG BESES LABAS MASOK ANG KOTSE SA GARAHE.GF: LING, TI-TIKITAN KITA.BF: EH BAKIT NAMAN?GF: EH HINDI KA MARUNONG MAG"PARK" IYONG DALAWANG GULONG MO SA LIKURAN NAKALABAS PA.
ano ba? dilaan mo muna para pumasok!..hindi talaga papasok iyan pag hindi mo muna dinilaan ang tanga tanga naman eh!....dilaan mo nga muna.....putang ina ayaw kasi makinig sa akin eh....dilaan mo muna yung krayom para pumasok......ekk!
Meron contest sa bayan,pabahuan ng kepyas(puki).Contestant #1:hinubad niya yung panty.UUUUUUHHHHHH ang baho,sigaw ng mga tao,nagpalakpakan.Contestant#2:hinubad nya yung panty.UUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH mas mabaho,nagtakipan ng ilong ang mga tao.''PANALO NA YAN'' sigaw ng mga tao.Contestant#3:hinubad nya yung panty sabay pikit ng mga mata.......pero wala siyang narinig na sigawan,pagdilat nya, nakita nyang nakabulagta ang lahat ng tao.Dahil sa sobrang baho ng kepyas nya ay hinimatay ang mga tao.
Hinipo ng pari ang legs ng madre.
Madre: Father, Psalm 129!
Pari: Sorry!
Pag uwi ng pari hinanap nya sa bible ang Psalm 129 at binasa: GO HIGHER AND FINE GLORY :::::
Pari: SUS GINOON IDAY!!!! Kung alam ko lang na gusto mo rin....Gugulong ka sa sarap...!!!!
KNOWLEDGE POWER:
Mang Ernie, pare pareho po ba ang timbang ng mga puke matambok man or hindi???
Sagot ni Ernie Baron: Pareho lahat yan, TIG IISANG GUHIT LANG...
Bakla!
Dalawang bakla ang nag-kasabay ng sakay sa dyip.Panay ang irapan at parinigan:
1st Bakla: Mamang tsuper, eto ang bayad- Baclaran!!!
Akala nung isang bakla e pinariringan siya kaya:
2nd Bakla: Mamang tsuper,eto ang bayad-BAKLA RIN!!!
POSITIONS OF SEX
69 - sarap na sarap sa kainan
66 - kantutan nakahiga
99 - bading nagtitirahan
96 - hiwalayan
6.6 - syota mo may kuto
6.9 - may regla
sipuning kuto
may dalawang mag kaibigang kuto na nag kukuwentuhan.
kuto 1:alam mo pare matindi ang sipon ko kasi napadpad ako sa bigote ng lalaking may sipon.
kuto 2: madaling remedyuhan yan, dapo ka lang sa bulbol ng isang chickas at pag ihi non magiginhawan ka dahil mainit.
after one day... nag kita muli ang mag kaibigan
kuto 2: pare, anong nang yare sa iyo at lalo ka yatang sinipon?
kuto 1: Pare, sinunod kong utos mo, dumapo ako sa sang bulbol ng babae at nung umihi siya naginhawahan ako at nakatulog tuloy ako... pero nung pag gising ko nagulat ako at nandoon na namn ako sa bigote nung lalaki.
Dalawang duktor ang nag-uusap:
DOC 1 : Hayop yung suso ng pasyente ko kanina,ga-melon.
DOC 2 : Mas hayup yung puke ng pasyente ko,ga-manga!!
DOC 1 : Ganuon kalaki?
DOC 2 : Hindi, ganuong "KAASIM"
LOLA
LOLA : Paraaaa!!!
DRIVER : Bakit po, lola?
LOLA : I-ihi ako!
DRIVER : Sabi nyo i-ihi lang kayo e ba't umutot pa kayo?
LOLA : Tutoy, pag may ulan, may kulog!!!!
PALAKIHAN
Tatlong misis ang nagpapalakihan ng ari ng mga mister nila:
Mrs. 1 : Sa Mr. ko parang Super Lolo, ang laki!!!
Mrs. 2 : Sa Mr. ko parang dynamite!!!
Mrs. 3 : Wala yan sa Mr. ko, parang "watusi"
Mrs. 1 & 2 : NGEK!!!
Mrs. 3 : Maliit nga pero dami naman putok!!!!
OLD MAID
OLD MAID : Hello police, a sex maniac has just broken into my house and he's raping me right now. CAN YOU COME TOMORROW MORNING AND ARREST HIM?
Kuto's
Kuto1: Kuto2 this is kuto1 over....
Kuto2: Yes kuto1, naririnig kita!!!
Kuto1: Kuto2 dito ako ngayon sa PUBIC HAIR ni Ma'am nagtatago OVER!!!
Kuto2: Ok received!!! Kuto1 dito na ko sa Bigote ni Sir...Approaching
BEST HUSBAND.
Panandero-masarap lumamutak
Hinente-Magaling pumatong
Bata Reyes-palaging pasok sa butas!
Karpintero-Mahusay sa pukpukan
Chatter-gusto laging fingeran
You smell gud
may matandang lalaki na pauwi na sa kanyang penthouse sa 8th floor. Sumakay na siya sa elevator tapos sa 2nd floor pa lang me pinakamagda at pinakamabangong babae na sumakay patungong taas. Sabi niya hi ang bango mo naman sa babae pero and snob nito sa kanya, sabi naman sa babae i should smell good, poison and pangalan nito tag One hundred dollars and maliit no bottle galing sa states. So sa sunod na nag bukas ang pinto sa elevator ang kaibigna naman ng babae ang sumakay mas mabango pa sa isa, so nag kompliment na naman ang matandang lalaki, sabi pa sa chika it should precious ang pangalan at tag two hundred dollars and maliit na bote. So pagdating nila sa 8th floor bago lumabas ang matanda umutot siya at sabi niya brokoli sa supermarket, tag one dollar and pound.
Breakfast
May bagong kasal at honeymoon time na. Siyempre! Si lalaki, hindi papayag na isa lang sa isang gabi ng honeymoon. Kaya magdamag na nagkantutan ang dalawa. Morning, nagising si babae:
Babae: Tanong n'ya sa Lalaki, Hon, ano'ng gusto mong breakfast?
Lalaki: Breakfast, Ikaw!
Eh di, kantutan na naman.
Lunch, nagising si babae:
Babae: Tanong n'ya sa Lalaki, Hon, anong gusto mong lunch?
Lalaki: Lunch, Ikaw!
Eh di, kantutan na naman.
Dinner, nagising si babae:
Babae: Tanong n'ya sa Lalaki, Hon, anong gusto mong dinner?
Lalaki: Dinner, Ikaw!
So, magdamag na naman silang nagkantutan hanggang makatulog.
Morning, nagising si lalaki, wala sa tabi n'ya si babae. hanap siya at nakita n'ya si babae na nasa hagdanan, nakahubo't-hubad na nagpapadulas sa hawakan ng hagdanan.
Tanong ng lalaki: Hon, anong ginagawa mo d'yan sa hagdanan?
Sagot ng babae: Heto Hon, iniinit ko itong breakfast mo!
mahal ng diyos
Talagang mas ng diyos ang mga lalaki WHY? Binigyan na ng dalawang ITLOG dinagdagan pa ng HOTDOG! Samantalang sa babae TINAPAY lang hinati pa, tapos palaman MANI!
